Monday, May 29, 2017


I don't even know where to begin on this one. Let's just say as silly as it may sound to some, this has been one of my greatest trials of my life so far. I know it's nothing really major and I feel so stupid for saying it. I have been very fortunate to not have many huge trials in life. I have always been aware of this, this thought has reminded me how blessed I've been but also scares me cause I feel like major trails are awaiting me. Before this incident, I have never had sleep or anxiety issues. With that said, I'll start from the beginning. The night before the cruise, we slept over at Austin and Kailyn's because he was going to take us at 3 in the morning to the airport. I knew I needed to try and get as much sleep as possible so I could be ready for our week of fun. I think this night it was normal not to sleep well because I was excited for the cruise. The next night we were in Puerto Rico and the boys and girls were is separate rooms. Everyone tried to go to bed early because people were exhausted from our early morning. There was a 3 hour time difference. So my body may not of been tired but everyone else was so we went to bed. This is really where my problem started. It was awful, I laid in bed for hours, counting and trying to shut down my brain. I couldn't watch TV or talk to anyone because everyone went to sleep. I felt alone and scared. I didn't have Mike to bug and I didn't want to wake up anyone else. I just kept freaking out telling myself you have to go to bed, you are going to be exhausted tomorrow. I kept trying until I reached my breaking point. Luckily my sweet Mom was in the room with me and I woke her up and broke down and told her what was going on. I was so scared because this had never happened to me but she reassured me that I would be fine and that its amazing what are bodies can handle. She is one that has never required much sleep but I have never been in that same boat. I think my emotional break down helped because I was able to fall asleep with in a hour of waking up Mom. The next night we were on the cruise ship and I was with Mike and luckily things went back to normal. I look back and feel very blessed that I was able to sleep normal and enjoy the cruise with my family. When we got home, same thing I was back to normal everything was great. Unfortunately we had our Tri in Mexico the very next weekend and this is where things went south fast. So our first night in Mexico was the night before our Tri. Mike and I wanted to get to bed at a decent time because we had to wake up early for our race. We went to bed around 10:30 or so. For some reason I could not go to sleep. All I could think about was that I needed to sleep or I wasn't going to have any energy for the race. As each hour past my anxiety got worse and worse. I tossed and turned until 4:30 in the morning. That was the worst night I had ever experienced. I was amazed that I was still able to do just fine for my race. That night I figured I would be completely wiped out from not sleeping and from my race. NOPE. I struggle again until the early morning when I asked Mike for a blessing. Mike Payne was nice enough to wake up and help him. The blessing helped me to calm my anxiety but I still wasn't able to sleep until late in the morning. This horrible cycle continued for the next week. I have never felt so helpless, so confused on what was going on with me, so utterly exhausted. Mike has been my rock through this whole thing. I tried many times not to wake him but some nights I remember just shaking and being so scared. He would always comfort me and hold me. One night he had us go and watch a movie in the middle of the night. It didn't work but just knowing how much he loves me and wanted me to get better was great. I am so lucky have him in my life. Along with him my Mom has been my major support. She has always warned me that she has suffered from anxiety/depression and Tiff has too, so I should be aware cause it could show up sometime in life. I still don't think this is necessarily that. I think that week of no sleep traumatized my mind and now I have anxiety about going to sleep because I don't want to feel that feeling of not being in control if I want to sleep. But back to my mom. She was and still is my constant support. Immediately when she knew that I had been struggling she found oils, conference talks, she even ordered me a book. Not to mention this was the same day that she was getting ready to leave for her mission. She is completely selfless and I hope I can be the same way. My Dad gave me a very special blessing before they left. His powerful words helped me to have hope for my future. My friends Mackenzie, Angie and Tara were amazing, checking up on me every day to see how I was doing. I am so lucky to have such loyal and caring friends. That first week of my problem, I wasn't taking anything. Mackenzie gave me an Ambien which saved me from completely loosing my mind. I was able to have one night of complete rest. It wasn't enough though as the cycle continued on. I tried just about anything you could think of. Staying to my normal routine of watching a show and falling to sleep. No. One night I came home late from work on the weekend and watched a show with Marissa thinking for sure I would fall asleep. Nope. That was probably the first time in my life that I watched a full movie and didn't fall asleep past 10. I tried reading, taking a warm bath, listening to conference talks, counting down from 100.  Repeating SLEEEP SLEEEEP over and over. Nothing worked. On Friday morning of that terrible week I reached another breaking point and I knew I needed medical help. I texted Jaron who I will always be forever grateful for his never ending service to our whole family. He was able to get me into his partner that day. I met with Dr. Mullins who I know because of the work I did for their office years earlier. She was awesome!! She put at ease and made me feel like I wasn't crazy and I that I would be fine. She agreed that I just needed to reset my sleep cycle so that it was a positive experience and then I should be back to normal. She prescribed me Zanex which was a miracle worker. With in 30 min of taking it I am able to completely fall asleep and have a great nights rest. Knowing that there was a way to shut off my brain was a game changer. I no longer had to be scared if I wasn't going to sleep but at the same time I didn't want to be dependent on anything. This is where my struggle continues. My doctor told me to take a pill for about two weeks. I was set from the get go that I was going to ween myself off as soon as possible. I took a pill for about 4 days and then I did half pills which worked until one night I had to take the other half at midnight. I tried and failed 4 different nights to go completely with out medication. This has been very frustrating to me. I wasn't really sure what I should be doing. If  I should be trying and struggling to fall asleep or just take the pill before I wanted to sleep. I finally made another appointment with my doctor. She told she thought I didn't completely set my sleep cycle and wanted me to take a full pill for 2 weeks. So that is where I am now. It's been over a month of dealing with this. Good news is I went to a late night movie at the theaters and feel asleep repeatedly just like normal. That was a great feeling. Also last night driving home from the Grand Canyon I was able to fall asleep multiple times while driving. This is great, I just need my brain to be confident that it can shut itself off by itself. I plan on taking my pills till Friday and hopefully I can attempt to get back to normal. I had a major AH HA moment at sacrament meeting today. That first week when I was struggling so bad, I was doing every thing I should be doing. I remember just pleading with God that I would be able to rest. And I know he is aware of my prayers they may not have been answered how I wanted but I know he is listening. I also tried serving people as much as I could. It's true, when serving others you are able to forget about your own problems. Anyways I felt very close to God spiritually because I was reading my scriptures, listening to conference talks, praying. Once I started having relief because of the medication I stopped so much relying on the Lord. I haven't been doing the things I am suppose to. I realized that today and so this week is a new week and I plan on starting out fresh. If anyone is reading this and you are still with me, you deserve a Noble Peace Prize because I have been rambling for a LOONNNG time. But more then anything I wanted to document this trial so I can remember it and continue to learn from it.
It is now June 29, about 2 months since this whole ordeal started and I had my first nights rest without any medicine. Yahhh!!!!! I can't even explain how happy I am. I feel like my mind is back to normal and I am confident in my sleep. This trial lasted longer then I expected but I feel so grateful and I feel like I learned a lot about myself during this.
It needs to be documented that after that week of medicine free sleep, I had a set back. We had a lot of vacations in July and August and for whatever reason it got in my head that I needed something or else I would be scared I wouldn't fall asleep. The good news is that for these trips I was able to wean myself off Zanex and use Melatonin which is a natural sleep supplement to can get at Walmart. Now for even better news. Since the trips I am completely back to normal and I am grateful for a peaceful mindset when it comes to sleep. This has been quite the experience. Its crazy to me how much our brain can control things. I feel more of a connection with people who suffer from other anxieties and more sympathy for them.


This group was a blast. We love this group of people. It's always a party and non stop laughing with this crew.
TLC forever
Before the big race.
Right after the swim. It was awesome that we were able to actually swim this time. It was tough and there was people all around but it was a great feeling when I finished.
The fake re run. The Mills were awesome and were there at the end but I must of slipped by so of course we had to recreate the moment. I was very happy with my time, I wanted to get under 1:30 and I got 1:26. My bike felt amazing this time around. My new road bike made quite the difference. I was actually passing a lot of people instead of being passed by everyone and their mom like last year.
The Payne's killed the 10K . It was brutally hot and the sign was shining right on the course. They did awesome!
Triathlon Mike with great form
It was so funny. In true Mike fashion he had to do something bizarre at the finish line. He was really bugged that they didn't have the slip and slide at the end so he dove into the sand anyways. It was hilarious!
Mike wanted to get under 3 hours and he did it. He was incredible.2:52

Lucas never disappoints. Show boat Mike with his medal kills me in this picture.
Oh man. The Michael Jackson concert that they put on at the resort was AMAZING. The impersonator was actually very talented. He was a great singer and dancer but man oh man was he intense. At one point he got very emotional and paused for the most uncomfortable amount of time. It was hilarious. Us girls were pretty much groupies in the front row. It was a blast!
Breakfast at the Kaffee Haus before we left. So yummy! Side note: If you think I look like death in this picture, its because I felt like I had been hit by a train. For the past two nights I probably got 6 hours total. I was miserable.


We got back from our cruise late Saturday but that wasn't going to stop us from having a great Easter. The Easter Bunny left his trail with some hidden eggs. The kids love taking turns finding the eggs.
Easter best. One of these days I will start buying Easter outfits again. But these cute kiddos can rock anything.
Egg coloring. The number of eggs that get colored is getting out of hand. Mom was nice enough to get the kids eggs for us. They each had their own dozen eggs to color.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

My Baby is 2 (wrong date published)

Something must've happened to my post because while I was looking back I noticed it was not there so I'm guessing it got deleted accidently.

I can't believe it but my baby is 2. Let's face it this little boy hasn't been a baby for a while but still this birthday is very hard to swallow. There are no words to describe how much this little boy melts my heart with his sweet face. He is completely fearless and crazy ahead of the game. He is very advanced in everything he comes: speaking, understanding, balance, potty training you name it. Our family is his personal fan club and whatever the Sauce wants, the Sauce finds a way to get it.
Sawyer loved the attention he got from his birthday, especially when we sang to him.
He loved the games that Grandma did. She always does such a great job of making the kids feel special.
Squirting out candles with a water gun is always a hit.
He loved fishing for his presents.
It was adorable, right after we sang to him he immediately put his arms up and said, "YAAAAA." So cute!!!

Army of Support

This kids were more then well looked after, they of course had the best time staying with Grandma and Grandpa Adamson. They are lucky lucky kids. They took Parker to his Pinewood Derby which I was so sad that we missed. He did really well and won a lot of races with his fancy pencil car that Grandpa helped make.

Kennidi of course got her usual pretty manicure from Grandma. She loves picking out the colors and designs.
They baked and they baked. One time when we called Parker was making snicker doodles, Kennidi was making brownies and Pierce was making M&M cookies. I need to make a goal to bake more with my kids because they just love it.

Pierce's Kinder class while we were away. His teacher absolutely adores him and she sent me the sweetest email with the nicest things to say about Pierce. She said that he might just be her favorite student ever because of his leadership and his big heart. I couldn't agree more. Pierce is something special!

Southern Carribean Cruise

Just enjoying my first time in first class on our way to Puerto Rico. Mom's travel agent planned it so that each of us got a chance to sit in first class. We had a pit stop in Texas, but we scored being able to have our time in first class for the second half because it was a lot longer. I almost sold my ticket to Dad for 50 bucks:) but everyone told me that I had to experience it at least once. It was pretty luxurious hot towel and all. 
Love the huge vans we get to cram all in.
Puerto Rico was awesome, half of us went to the city area and half of went to the rainforest. Of course there was some competition of who was having more fun. The rest of the trip the others were known as the "Rainforest Crew."
Del Moro Fort which was built in the 1500's. It had this pretty jungle surrounding it with iguanas all over the place.

Dad is my fashionista hat inspiration.
Court and his go pro saved the trip. He got some incredible shots and it was so nice to have for our huge group.
Had some Puerto Rican food right next to our hotel. All the boys were upset that the cock fitting ring right next door was closed.
The jungle
As gross as this looks and sounds, it was pretty cool to be covered in pigeons. Believe it or not, I didn't even get pooped on.
First stop: St. Maarten. Mike and I did our own thing at this port. To save money of course. We had an incredible time. We walked off the boat to a near by beach, rented a few chairs and umbrellas. It was perfect. We walked the beach, got harassed for 30 min by a girl telling us that I won the grand prize, ate some delicious jerk chicken and Pina colada smoothie.  But first thing was first, I made Mike take this ridiculous picture with me. He is a good sport, however he almost broke my arm on our first attempt. It was pretty funny! Luckily we got the shot on our second try because he was bound to collapse on me again.

First formal night.
Second stop: St. Kitts. Go Pro for the win!! Right after this picture was taken, Dan pulled out his wallet and because it was crazy windy, his money blew right into the ocean. At first he just sat there and was like big deal its only 60 bucks(it actually was 90). Meanwhile Jaron strips down and jumps right in. It was quite the scene. He saved the money but unfortunately he jacked his foot on some rocks because it was shallow and forgot that his phone was in his pocket. Poor guy he was the hero of the day but his phone didn't work right the rest of the trip.
Cute cute monkey's right off the boat.
We rented quads for the day which was awesome, this island was so pretty!

Unfortunately we came to this part of the island the last hour of our day. Wish we had more time, but we know for next time. It was beautiful!

Flo Rider on the boat. This was really fun! It was trickier then I thought it would be.
Stop 3: Antigua was our beach and relaxation day. It was definitely needed with all the busy ports we had back to back.

Stop 4: St. Lucia. This was probably my favorite island. It reminded a lot of Roaton, Honduras. It was absolutely gorgeous. We started off a little rocky cuz we had to be on a 1 1/2 van ride, but our stops were worth it. We had to stop for this view of Pitons. Gorgeous!

Next stop. The volcanic mud bath. This was quite the experience. The water was hot. After we got all muddy we hopped into the hot springs and it felt good. After my skin was all silky smooth. This place was crowded. A germ a phoebe would've definitely been grossed out but I thought it was a lot of fun!

Last stop, the famous Sugar Beach. Our guide kept telling us about all the famous people that come here. He told us that Matt Damon was married on the beach, but the coolest thing was knowing that The Bachelorette was filmed here:) The snorkeling here was amazing!

Stop 5 and final destination: Barbados. We had a sea turtle excursion ship wreck snorkeling. Barbados was awesome! It is a super chill island with a fun city. The sea turtles were cool, I even got to touch one. Nothing beats the Caribbean islands!

Of course there were a lot of games played on the cruise, mainly Scum and Fruit Salad. And of course, things had to get too competitive and even uncomfortable with some of my sister in laws and brothers. Other then those awkward moments, it is always fun with my family. 
Had to conquer the rock wall at least once on the trip. Glad I got it on my last day.
Last Formal night with my Boo.
Greatest parents right here. I am going to miss them so much! Mexico is lucky to have them.

Overall it was quite the week! I loved everything about this trip. Mike and I of course had a couple tiffs about certain things on the cruise. The best thing about this cruise is right when we got back, Mike and I had probably the best talk of our marriage thus far. Lets just say it was a tearful discussion. It's amazing how well you think you know each other and what each other needs. We both learned A LOT talking about our love languages. Here is example of problems we had.  He would get upset because he felt like I was more interested in hanging out with my family then him. The problem with me being the youngest in a big family that I have major FOMO (fear of missing out) and I want to be included in everything. And in return I would be mad at him for not trying to include himself in with my family. We both learned a lot from our talk and I think our marriage is stronger then ever because we understand each other a little bit better. I think our next cruise will be even more enjoyable:)